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Only in the Keys by Jana Vandelaar
Fish guts beat out diamond rings? Only in the Keys
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Posted - Thursday, March 07, 2013 07:24 PM EST
What’s up with the weather here in the Keys? For the past week, I’ve been waddling around my house in mismatched sweat pants, a giant sweater and… SOCKS! I look like a badly dressed penguin. Actually, I was lucky I even had any of these items in my closet.
I vaguely remember owning a big, expensive coat and UGG boots to throw on in the winter months when I lived in Colorado. But, I switched them all out for flip-flops and tank tops the first week I moved here. Man, things have sure changed in my life.
I’ve noticed, as I’ve gotten older, that clothing choices aren’t the only things that have changed. My priorities in life have also shifted. For instance, when I was younger (say, around 10 years old) I remember I wanted to live in a mansion when I grew up. An innocent, beautiful dream a lot of kids have. Forty+ years later, and after cleaning my two bathrooms, changing the sheets on the beds, dusting and doing the dishes, I’ve reevaluated that earlier dream. Now, I just want the maid in the mansion. Not the mansion. The maid.
Same goes for jewelry. When I first got married, I wanted a huge rock on my left finger. However, over time, I realized the big diamond did not accessorize well with my rubbery yellow dishwashing gloves. And the jewelry store didn’t explain that lugging scuba tanks from cars to boats wasn’t advisable while wearing the ring. Nor did they clarify the fishing issue. Namely, no matter how big the diamond is, it’s not going to outshine fish guts stuck in the prongs.
Maybe I’m getting more logical about life’s realities. I mean, in the past, I would have taken home anything with a wagging tail, a slobbery tongue and a furry coat. (Stay with me here... I’m not talking about deformed, hairy men. I’m talking about dogs.) Now I find myself looking at the size of the dog UNDER that fur and calculating the amount of food it will most likely devour in its lifetime. Not to mention, the amount of poop to pick-up. When did something so fuzzy and lovable become so poopy and analytical?
Of course, owning big things usually results in certain sacrifices. For instance, my love for big dogs means I’ll never have another home with stairs. (Here we go shattering my mansion dreams again.) Big dogs get older and those stairs become torturous on my, I mean, on THEIR hips and joints. My next home must either be entirely on one level or it must have an elevator. (Hey, I’m not done dreamin’ yet.) It’s weird. I’m not sure when everything began shifting directions. I don’t think it’s just an issue with age or with money — though both my husband and I grumbled when we had to crank on the heater in the middle of winter. What an inconvenience — right? We want to save our money for the important things, like air-conditioning in the summer. Paying for a heating bill is not part of the deal here in the Keys…
That’s it!
Everything started to shift when I moved to the Keys. After all, you have to adapt to your environment. When I worked at an oil company in Denver, I wore heels everyday. Now, I’d break my neck if I attempted to walk from the front door to my car in heels higher than a flat pancake. I’m boggled when I see women on television walking elegantly in their spiked, sophisticated Christian Louboutin shoes. All I think about when I see those classic red soles is how the pea rock in my driveway would destroy them in less a minute. Give me a pair of flip-flops any day.
The more I think about it, the more I know it’s because of the Keys. If I did go back to wearing heels in Colorado, a fur coat might be a higher priority than a tank top. A car with four-wheel drive would be far more important than a convertible. And I’d be sipping on a tiny bit of hot coffee mixed with a lot of Baileys instead of an icy glass of straight vodka.
I’m glad I finally got my priorities straight. Heck, I used to dream about having fine crystal and living on a yacht. Now I envy my girlfriend’s higher-end plastic wine glasses and I only want a boat with less than a 2-foot draft so I can go barhopping via water and not hit bottom. Who’d think a yacht could be so inconvenient? Only in the Keys — right?
Jana Vandelaar is a freelance writer with a children’s book published as an e-book and available online through Amazon titled, “The Puppy Tooth Fairy – Clumsy Canine.” She also has a couple of “grown-up” books completed and waiting to get out into the world, hopefully this year. Jana has lived in the Keys with a loving family, fun friends and smelly pups for more than 20 years. More of her work can be found on her website at www.janavandelaar.com or feel free to contact her by email at janabanana@bellsouth.com or by Facebook at JanabananaINK.